The China Post

I’ve been meaning to vent my spleen on this subject for a while now but never got round to it, but the last couple of days have finally pushed me over the edge. The subject of my wrath, I hear you ask ‑ China Post editorials.

If the Post were a paper in the West it would have gone out of business long ago because of all the libel lawsuits it would have lost. Some of the stuff it prints is simply breathtaking and it is hard to believe that anyone who reads it actually takes it seriously.

I don’t buy it myself, but I do go out of my way to read it each day just for a laugh. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why it is still in circulation – for its comedy value.

Below are a few samples of some of its recent classics.

First, you get blatant untruths that are never corrected such as May’s “Chiang Kai-shek was the supreme commander of allied forces in the Asia Pacific theater during World War II.”

Then you get statements made without anything to back them up, spurious links between unconnected subjects and just plain old simple gobbledygook, such as Monday Aug. 27’s “It's an insult to their Homo sapiens intelligence to be asked to voice yes or no on the question of Taiwan's UN bid. Internationally, what Chen is doing should be interpreted as a petty megalomaniac at his wits' end taking his last sleepwalk.” Uh?

Then there are the conspiracy theories. Here’s Monday Aug. 27 again. “In the end, he [Chen] was re-elected, thanks to sympathy votes cast on the day following a mystery-shrouded shooting which was rumored as an assassination attempt on him orchestrated by Beijing.”

And finally you get the downright offensive, such as this sentence from Aug. 31. “Many Taiwanese voters are undereducated and have only a vague idea which candidates are really capable.”

I would like to know who writes this juvenile dross and whether they have ever heard of fact checking or defamation? Maybe they just translate it from that other guardian of responsible journalism – the China Times.

Unfortunately, this kind of stuff is endemic to Taiwan's media - whatever its persuasion.

My theory is they get disillusioned former pan-blue legislators to sit around a table, take LSD, smoke a few joints and brainstorm the most ridiculous things they can think of. Then they pass it on to chimpanzees for copyediting and viola! Off to the print shop it goes.

That is the only explanation for such shoddy, inaccurate and downright laughable work

The KMT's referendum ploy......

Found out today that the KMT’s planned referendum actually advocates re-entry to the UN using the name ‘ROC,’ with ‘practical’ titles being used to enter other international organizations.

The Taipei Times has the story here.

This means that if both the KMT’s and DPP’s referendums go ahead as planned then voters will be faced with two choices when they vote in next year’s presidential election, one for entry using ‘Taiwan’ to enter the UN and one using ‘ROC.’

How stupid is that?

I can’t help thinking that this is some kind of cunning ploy by the KMT to nullify the DPP’s referendum as on election day KMT supporters will ignore the DPP’s referendum and vice versa, meaning that neither of them garner enough responses to be valid – a la referendum 2004.

This would defeat the DPP’s aim of making Taiwan’s voice heard around the world and help the KMT curry favor with their red friends across the strait.

Am I mad? Well I haven’t heard Beijing condemn the KMT’s plan, which in reality is just as provocative and implausible as the DPP’s.

In an ironic twist, the DPP actually squandered a great chance to veto the KMT's plebiscite. The referendum review committee only passed the KMT's proposal by 8 votes to 4 meaning that if the 8 DPP members hadn't resigned in a hissy fit after their referendum proposal was turned down in June, they could have blocked the KMT's bid.

Bet they're kicking themselves now!

Acronym fun - Taiwan's political parties

In a moment of boredom the other day I decided to see how many different variations I could come up with using the initials of the three main parties (many apologies TSU). It was surprisingly good fun.
Any new suggestions are welcome.

KMT

Kaput Mainland Tyranny

Kept Maladministering Territories

Keenly Manipulating Taiwanese

Kissing Ma’s Tailend

Kickstart Mindless Turbulence

Kick-back Motivated Thugs

Kowtowing Machiavellian Toads

Keeping Motherland Thoughts

Kidding Mainly Themselves

Knee-jerk Minded Totalitarians

Kamikaze Mainland Trips

Keep Milking Taiwan

PFP

Protecting Face Paramount

Painstakingly Frustrating Progress

Presenting Few Policies

Party (of) Fugitive Politicians

Pushing Flimsy Partnership

Pursuing Fictional Paradise

Phony Formosan People

Professional Filibustering Plebs

Performing Farcical Pantomime

Pigheadedly Firebrand Politics

Personality Following Parasites

Pompously Fragile Pride

Pathetically Fleeting Phenomenon

Pocket-Filling Philanderers

Permanently Facing Pandemonium

DPP

Diplomatic Progress Painful

Defiantly Pushing Plebiscites

Degenerate Party (of) Poseurs

Dragging Painstaking Progress

Damaging Presidential Policies

Deleting Past Presidents

Dementedly Partisan Politics

3,650 days in Taiwan

Having been in Taiwan for almost 10 years, I began thinking the other day about how I have changed and which things that used to seem weird to me now seen normal.

I came up with the following list. Please feel free to add any suggestions.

10 ways you know you’ve been in Taiwan too long

1. When you walk into 7-Eleven you no longer notice the stench of tea eggs.
2. You take a shower before you go to bed.
3. You think the bottom of an escalator is a good place to stop and plan your day.
4. You wave to people standing two feet away from you.
5. The word ‘cute’ becomes part of your everyday vocabulary (in English and Chinese).
6. You can recognize 小S, Chang Fei, Hu Gua and Jacky Wu.
7. You stand up and give your seat to kids on the MRT.
8. You start exercising in jeans and long-sleeved shirts – even in summer.
9. You start referring to non-Taiwanese as foreigners and stare at them.
10. You think that a pizza isn’t a real pizza without corn.

'Rules' of the road!

As one of the few people who persist year-round with the self-powered, two-wheeled mode of transport here in Taiwan, I get a real close-up of what kind of behaviour passes for ‘rules’ of the road. And as my wife has recently begun to put pressure on me to upgrade to four wheels, I thought I’d air my observations on driving etiquette as preparation for my vehicle test. Especially, as to my knowledge, there is still no English version of the ‘Road Code’ here in Taiwan!

General Driving

Rule No.

1. As your car is your protective bubble from the outside world/atmosphere, try to ignore every other vehicle on the road. Especially ones behind you.

2. When attempting a manoeuvre that you know to be dangerous, and possibly illegal (e.g. pulling a u-turn across all six lanes of Fu-Hsing South Road during rush hour.) Do it at a speed comparable to that of a giant tortoise with bunions, ensuring a huge traffic build up.

3. After passing any slow-moving vehicle, such as a cyclist or an old man on a scooter, immediately veer across their path to turn right, or to stop to buy noodles.

4. When turning across the oncoming traffic, do not wait until a gap in the traffic. Create your own gap by edging slowly across the road until the oncoming cars have no other option but to stop.

5. a) At junctions, when a car is trying to join the flow of traffic, do everything possible to avoid letting that car get in front of you, even if this means you end up on the other side of the road.

b) Do not stop to observe oncoming traffic when reaching a blind T-junction. Drive straight out into the road, and only stop if you notice the oncoming vehicle is much bigger than you (i.e. bus or gravel truck)

6. Driving in the wrong direction is permitted for bicycles and scooters, and even cars if the requirement is urgent enough.

7. If you drive a Mercedes, BMWs, Lexus, or another brand of luxury vehicle, then you do not need to follow any rules. You are free to drive as you like, park where you like, etc.

Road Signs/Signals

8. At a pedestrian crossing, vehicles have the right of way. It is the stupid pedestrian’s responsibility to dodge between the stream of scooters, buses, and other turning traffic.

9. When a set of traffic lights begin to change, speed up to see if you can be the last vehicle to sneak across. Even if this means endangering the lives of your four children, who you are taking to school on a dilapidated, smoke-billowing 1960's 50cc scooter.

10. Road signs and markings are there purely for decoration. They are to be ignored at all costs.

Parking

11. Sidewalks are for parking cars, scooters, setting up stalls, unloading, and most definitely NOT for walking.

12. Use the kerbs to judge when to stop during parallel parking. If there are no kerbs available then the cars in front and behind make a handy substitute.

13. After parking on a main road, fling your door open as wide as possible without first looking in the mirror for traffic approaching from behind.

14. Double, even triple parking is acceptable when you just have to buy a lunch box.

General Safety

15. Indicator signals and the rear view mirror are there purely for somewhere to hang various paraphernalia, such as soft toys, air fresheners, and Buddha beads, and not to be used at any time.

16. A ‘Baby on Board’ sticker should be sufficient to protect your children. It is fine to let your kids hang out the windows or sunroof as you speed along the highway, and never, under any circumstances make them wear a seatbelt.

Taxi Drivers and Buses

17. Drive as erratically and as dangerously as possible, repeating rule number 3 (see above) wherever possible, but pick up passengers, not noodles.

One final general rule of the road, that everyone should follow in order to stay alive. Treat every other driver on the road as if they are an idiot, because in Taiwan it seems that sometimes, on any particularly frustrating day, this could possibly be true!

Happy driving!

Back on the blog!

I started this blog a couple of years ago when I had a job that allowed me the time to take care of it. Then, in a moment of madness a couple of years ago I took all the posts down.
I have decided to start up again. God knows why as my new job is even busier and now we have a young child to boot.
I will start by reposting a few of my old musings and hopefully will get time to post some fresh stuff.
Don't hold your breath though. I still don't even know how to put pictures on this damn thing.